10 Signs You Accidentally Started Watching a Christian Movie

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It’s happened to all of us: you’re looking for a quality movie to unwind after a long day at work. After a few minutes, you suddenly realize that you are not watching a Hollywood production, but a Christian film. Oh no! You have been deceived!

Luckily, at Babylon Bee, we care enough about your soul to bring you these ten warning signs that you might be watching a Christian movie:

1) You cringe audibly: You can tell the people who made the movie had their hearts in the right place, but you feel bad for them. CRIIIINGE.

2) This cafe scene was obviously filmed in a mega-church: You can almost feel the stacks of folding chairs just out of sight.

3) Each character looks suspiciously like Kirk Cameron in a different outfit: Yes, even the older woman with the surprise gang stunt doubles and backstory.

4) You can recognize bad guys because they have tattoos: Their leader tops it all off with the requisite goatee and ponytail. They might even say the D-word, damn it.

5) A character is described as “capricious”: He continues to sin despite his knowledge of what sin is. So capricious.

6) The steamy, romantic scene fades to black before the good part: Disappointing.

7) All non-Casting Crowns background music is played on an 80s synthesizer: And the film’s credits refer to the musician as “the director’s nephew, Stephen.”

8) You feel like watching a Hallmark movie: Your soul longs for even a drop of semi-adequate action.

9) The main character doesn’t believe in God because of someone who has cancer or something: For once can we have a crisis of faith because a Lovecraftian horror has emerged from the depths of the ocean and has devoured all of San Diego?

10) The actors succeed in the crying scenes by remembering that they are in a Christian film: The sadness and the existential terror are very, very real.


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